The 5 Reasons We Divorce Ourselves By Dr. Lisa Cooney

Your aunt hands a plate to you at the family reunion. “Here, you love burgers, don’t you? I made this for you…” You nod and accept the plate even though you are a vegan.

Your boyfriend asks you to go on a weeklong rafting trip in the Grand Canyon. His idea of fun is sleeping out under the stars. Your idea of fun is sleeping in Egyptian cotton sheets in a king size bed at the Four Seasons being fed room service. Yet you agree to the trip and have a miserable time.

We’ve all done little things like this… said “Yes,” when we meant, “No,” said “No,” when we meant, “Yes,” went along with someone else’s idea of fun when it seemed like torture to us.

This is what I refer to as “divorcing” ourselves.

Think about it. What is a divorce? The dissolution of a marriage that results in two people going separate ways. But we don’t just get divorced from other people: we divorce ourselves EVERY TIME we go against what is true for us. Every time we put someone else’s needs and desires above our own, we leave ourselves. We are basically saying to ourselves, to the others involved and to the Universe, “I don’t matter.”

Why do we do this?

There are 5 main reasons we divorce ourselves:
1) We want to be liked.
2) We think we are supposed to be a certain way.
3) We don’t want to rock the boat.
4) We’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings if we tell them what we really think.
5) We’re afraid the other person will leave us if we don’t please them.

Again, I ask, why do we do this?

We divorce ourselves because it is a familiar pattern. We’re consciously or unconsciously repeating the pattern of abuse we experienced in the past.

During abuse, two big things happen:
1) We divorce ourselves because it is a familiar pattern. We’re consciously or unconsciously repeating the pattern of abuse we experienced in the past.

2) Not only do our needs disappear, we often disappear. Most of us find a way to try and separate from the pain and trauma of the experience and disconnect or even dissociate.

The cruel joke about abuse is that it ended a long time ago yet we keep it going by treating ourselves like the abuser treated us. We don’t believe we deserve any different.

Now, in our relationships with romantic partners, family members, colleagues, clients, children, we disappear. We believe our needs, our desires – that WE – don’t matter.

If you experienced childhood sexual abuse, you carry this belief that you don’t deserve to live for yourself but rather need to do what others think you should do, or what you’re supposed to do.

How do you stop divorcing yourself?

Step 1:Begin by noticing WHEN you do this: when you say, “Yes,” when you mean, “No.” When you’re people pleasing. When you’re putting someone else’s needs above your own.

As you begin to pay attention to the moments throughout the day that you divorce yourself you’ll begin to see how much you are actually doing this. This awareness alone is empowering: it gives you a mirror to see yourself more clearly.

Step 2: When you notice you’re doing this – PAUSE. Check in with yourself. Ask yourself,
• “What is true for me here?”
• “What do I really desire or require?”
• “Does this work for me?”
• If it doesn’t work for you then ask, “What would work for me?” When you take the time to check in with yourself you are actually valuing yourself. You’re letting yourself, others and the Universe know, YOU MATTER! Your needs, your desires, your everything, matters.

Step 3: Choose again! Even if you said, “Yes,” or “No,” to something a moment ago, and now after taking Step 2 you know that’s no longer true, you have permission to CHANGE YOUR MIND and choose something different. Truly. When you put these 3 steps into action, you will stop divorcing yourself. This isn’t an overnight “solution.” It’s a daily practice. You’ve been disappearing for possibly decades now. So please, be patient with yourself, be patient with this practice, but never, ever give up on yourself.

Every time you choose more of what DOES work for you, you strengthen your trust in yourself. You become your ally, rather than your own perpetrator.

And you know what else begins to occur?

When you make choices based on what you desire, you tap into Radical Aliveness. You discover more possibilities available to you. You begin to enjoy all your relationships more. And rather than disappearing, you become more present with yourself. More embodied. More expressed.

Welcome home to yourself, my friend. You don’t ever have to leave yourself again. This the best gift you can give yourself for Valentine’s day – and everyday beyond – yourself.