5 Steps to Receiving More Of Everything

Meet Clara. 42 years old and married for half her life, Clara came to me complaining of a lack of satisfaction in her relationship. She wanted to feel loved and adored yet admitted to being a constant critic. She knew she was pushing her husband away. But she didn’t know how to change things.

Clara, like thousands of other clients I’ve worked with, has a history of abuse. She grew up with an alcoholic father who used to beat she and her sisters at night while their mother was working. Sworn to secrecy by her father, the abuse went on for years. Clara seethed with rage and resentment.

It was no wonder that Clara used constant criticism as her defense in her marriage. What better armor to use to keep her husband at a “safe” distance?

If you have ever been abused yourself, you may have your own version of “armor.” Perhaps it’s judgment or passive aggressive behavior; perhaps it’s silence or blame. Whatever it is, like Clara, you are using it to protect yourself from what you perceive as abuse. However, it’s keeping you trapped in the familiar cycle of abuse (even if you are no longer living with the abuser) rather than freeing you.

During experiences of abuse, receiving meant being hit or touched or perpetrated in other ways, forced to receive something you did not want. So you build up walls and defenses to keep others out. As I’ve talked about in other articles (like the one on Invisible Porcupine), this coping strategy served you well once upon a time. But now, you struggle in relationship, with your health, with money, and/or with business. Up until now you may have been wondering, “What’s wrong?” and “How come I never get what I want?” and “How do I fix this?”

It’s exhausting and frustrating: you desire to have more in your life and yet unconsciously, you are blocking yourself from receiving it. The good news is you can change this pattern. Take these 5 steps to move beyond the defenses so you can receive more of everything.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Armor

What is it for you? Do you disconnect with judgment or blame? Do you dissociate and just go away? Do you get defensive?
Acknowledge what your armor is so you can see it for what it is. Then you’ll begin to notice when you’re using your armor. We can only change something we’re able to see.

Step 2: Update Your Story About Receiving

Once upon a time you created a story about what receiving meant. For me, receiving meant doing what my mom said so she wouldn’t beat me. And even then she might still beat me. So ultimately, receiving became equated with being beaten no matter what I did: I couldn’t win.

What story did you tell yourself about receiving? Similar to Step 1, when you can see the roots of your story, and how receiving got twisted up with abuse, you can begin to change it.

Is it now time to update your story about receiving?

Step 3: Release Your Armor

Once you update your story about receiving, would you be willing to let go of your armor? This also means letting go of the judgments you may have about having this armor. Bring a ton of compassion to yourself as you lower your defenses and begin to practice other ways of relating. Who are you without your judgments, without your blame, without your passive aggressiveness?

I know – it may feel very uncomfortable at first. It’s like ripping a band-aid off – only 100 times worse. You’re taking off armor that you’ve worn for years, even decades. Even when you do so with gentleness and compassion, it may feel painful and awkward: your “skin” beneath the armor is very unaccustomed to the light of day.

Yet the pain of keeping your armor on is even worse – it’s a long slow painful way of living while dying inside. Which do you choose? To feel the rip-off-the- band-aid-pain or the slowly-decay-and-destroy-your-life-pain?

Step 4: Tap Into The Energy Of True Receiving

Have you ever seen a cat being stroked? How it purrs and either leans into the touch or rolls over on its side as if to say, “Here… get more of me, please!” This is the energy of receiving: open, receptive, grateful and willing to be vulnerable. A cat doesn’t have its claws out when it’s purring.

This is the energy that is required to live the life you desire: being open, receptive, grateful and vulnerable. Just like I invite you to acknowledge your armor so you can let it go, I invite you to notice when you’re experiencing moments of true receiving so you can invite in more of it.

Perhaps it’s easier at first in nature: feeling the wind caress your skin; the green grass tickle your toes. With practice though, you will be able to receive the love, the vibrancy, the cash, the ease, the communion that you truly desire.

I’ll be honest with you, it’s not an overnight transformation. It requires courage, commitment and for many people, support. You do not have to walk this path alone. But to receive support requires you to lower your armor to ask for and receive it. Please know your vulnerability is one of your biggest strengths. It takes a strong person to say, “Help.”

I’m reaching out my hand to you. Let’s kick abuse in the caboose, together.